god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I made him laugh his dick is mine
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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