So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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