I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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