Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
