I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize