Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
