Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
They took my balls.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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