I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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