i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
