textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
