the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize