Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
did i just pee glitter
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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