I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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