I want to have your abortion
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
