sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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