drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
