I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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