Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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