I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
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