When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
