dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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