I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
