I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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