If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
