I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
