i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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