I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm too high and old for this...
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
