Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
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