got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Best friends brother. Beat that.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
