theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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