You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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