Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
