He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
