Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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