I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
