4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
