You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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