did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
