I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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