he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
