I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
