Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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