Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize