i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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