I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
