Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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