I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
