Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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