Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Randomize
