Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
