don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
