I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
