im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize